


Help Me

by Sunwarmed_Ash_tree_and_the_dreaming_Stag



Category: Avengers, Marvel
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Harm, blood mention, mentions of abuse/rape, ptsd tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-12 00:57:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5648038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunwarmed_Ash_tree_and_the_dreaming_Stag/pseuds/Sunwarmed_Ash_tree_and_the_dreaming_Stag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve finally decides to act on his feelings for Tony, but Tony's reaction isn't what he expected.<br/>Angsty, no character death but self harm</p><p> </p><p>Trigger warnings:<br/>-Mentions of past physical and sexual abuse from Howard<br/>-Self Harm<br/>-Homophobic slang</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tony sighed, the light in his chest kept him up, shining like a damned floodlight. His chest ached if he lay on his stomach, and no blanket or shirt could keep it out. Tony yanked himself out of bed, deciding sleep wouldn't come any time soon and carded a hand through his hair. He looked over on the bedside table.

_3:24 AM_

"Fuck."

Tony wandered down to his lab, figuring he could find something to tinker with down there and punched in the code.

"Good morning sir, trouble sleeping?"

"Shut up Jay." Tony grumbled, pulling out a bottle of scotch and filling up a glass. "Pull up the drawings for the Mark V."

 

~*~

 

Steve licked the peanut butter off the knife, and tossed it in the dishwasher. He stacked up his plates of peanut butter and banana sandwiches, fried eggs, and boiled potatoes and made his way to the elevator, lip of a glass between his teeth.

"-vis? F-oor thir-ee." He mumbled, and the AI informed him he was going to floor thirteen instead of thirty. Groaning, he decided to wait the ride out. He'd just and walk back down to the lounge floor and eat there. As the elevator doors opened, Steve noticed the lab's lights were on. Curious, Steve shuffled down the hall, and shouted at the glass door.

"On-ee? To-ny! Hat you?"

Tony had ACDC blaring, as per usual. One of the benefits of being an insomniac engineer is that you can blast your music in a soundproof room. Tony got his music and the rest of the avengers could sleep through the night peacefully, everyone wins.

Tony had finished his second glass of scotch by the time Steve arrived. Still oblivious to his guest, Tony stripped down to a tank top and began tinkering with the newest Mark edition.

Steve winced at the painfully loud rock music, and searched the large lab for Tony. He found the man shoulder deep in an armored torso, a big one at that, and he set down his food on the floor to join his friend. Steve held up a triangle of peanut butter & banana and wafted it in front of the genius's mouth. He smothered a giggle and waited for his Tony "fish" to take the bait.

Tony, being so wrapped up in his work, didn't notice anything strange about a phantom sandwich in front of his mouth. He took a large bite out of the sandwich triangle before his brain registered the flavor. He followed the sandwich down to a pale hand and smiled, teeth full of peanut butter, at the soldier on the floor.

"Hy stevv!"

Steve smiled and held the sandwich for Tony so he could work while he ate. "I like your turtle impression." He grinned and used his free hand to eat some egg and potato. "You can't sleep either?" Steve asked and watched Tony carefully eat around his fingers. Suddenly the engineers tongue flicked over a finger to suck off the remaining peanut butter and Steve shivered from head to toe. He had been admiring Tony from afar ever since he had come into the new world, and often found himself caught up in the presence of the man. His bold intellect, his _dashing_ good looks and charisma had Steve infatuated. And tonight he hoped to press his luck a little.

"You know I have a few sleeping tricks," Steve started.

"Hey me too," Tony chuckled, nodding towards the scotch bottle. "Seriously though, if you've got a better idea I'm all ears."

"Well there's always exercise, drinking warm milk, a hot shower... Or a warm body." Steve winked, and offered another sandwich piece.

Tony chuckled, taking the second piece in his teeth. "Well, Natasha's the only female in the house and I'm pretty sure she'd stab us if we tried to lie next to her so, that one's out. Too drunk to exercise and I'd probably slip in the shower. Does that warm milk shit really work?"

Steve shook his glass. "You're welcome to try mine! And not as much as you think it does." Steve laughed.

Tony took the glass and sipped it, milk coating his mustache. "Not bad," he remarked, handing the cup back to Steve before tinkering with the suit.

Steve let his hand slide down Tony's arm, pretending to clean off a stray wire. He smiled softly at the genius, letting their eyes lock, and admiring the light amber color. "We could make this a thing, every time we can't sleep... We could enjoy each other's company." He tried, still stroking Tony's arm.

Tony's head raised in confusion, "I'm sorry, I must not have heard you right. Care to run that by me again?"

"You know what I mean Stark." He chuckled and let his thumb ghost over Tony's shoulder. "Since neither of us is able to sleep, I hoped we could enjoy a _night cap_ together."

Tony stiffened, whipping around and knocking the glass out of Steve's hand, causing a huge mess on the floor. "Steve what are you doing!? Are you fucking with me or something? Because it isn't funny if you are!"

"Nothing is _wrong_ with me! I ... I thought we were hitting it off! I thought you liked me too." He looked to his friend, and steeled his heart. In a rash move, he took Tony by the back of his neck, and stole a kiss from him. He begged for affection, and when a breathless gasp escaped his lips he griped Tony a little harder when he began to squirm. Steve hoped that Tony could see what it would be like, and realize he was wrong.

"Steve! Mmph!" Tony tried to squirm out of Steve's impressive grip but it was useless, the captain was so much stronger than him. Out of habit, he made a fist and punched Steve in the stomach, hard. It hurt him more than it ever would Steve but he just needed the distraction. The soldiers lips were ripped from his own and he panted as he finally got his breath back.

His anxiety spiked instantly and he felt around, trying to grab on something stable before he collapsed to the floor.

 

_You god damn, filthy little faggot!_

His father's screams echoed in his brain as he flashed back to the time his father caught him with his boyfriend.

 

Steve held his hands up in surrender when he saw Tony's reaction. "Tony, I-I'm sorry. I just thought you needed convincing..." Steve trailed off when he saw his friend trembling. "Tony? Tony, take it easy, deep breaths. I'm really really sorry alright?"

Tony let out a scream of pure agony, clutching his head and falling to the floor. Steve leapt into action, taking Tony's hands and holding them behind his back.

"Tony! Can you hear me? You're hurting yourself! ANTHONY!"

 

_Tony! Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?!_

_D-Dad! I-I_

*smack*

The back of his father's hand came across his face, hard, and Tony collapsed to the floor, his "boyfriend" booking it the second he got the chance.

_So! You like sucking cock do you boy?_

A kick to the abdomen was next _._

_You're fucking disgusting! I should have known you were a fairy. Just one disappointment after another, aren't you Tony?_

 

Tony gasped, his throat constricting like someone's hand was around it. "Please!" he begged, crying into his chest and using his nails to cut into his skull. "Stop! please just stop!" Steve yanked his arms behind his back and Tony squirmed harder, panic strong in his chest now. His reactor was working overtime and if he didn't calm down soon….

"Please," he begged through clenched lips, turning his face towards his chest. "D-Don't make me suck it again, please! I'm not gay, please please I'm not gay!"

Steve let go of Tony, terrified he was harming him further. His friend's words burned his heart, and Steve felt sick to his stomach. He sat down where Tony could see him, and slowly tried to coax him out of his fit. "Tony, love? You're safe here ok? No one is going to hurt you. I'm... I'm so sorry, I didn't know..."

The calm serenity of Steve's voice somehow broke through the traumatic haze and Tony was tossed back into reality with a painful gasp. He gripped Steve's arm hard, steadying himself while he caught his breath. "S-Steve? What happened? Wha-Where are we?"

Steve swallowed his emotions, needing to appear strong for Tony. "Y-You couldn't sleep, and you were working on your suit when I came in." He said carefully and then backed away, trying not to crowd Tony for the next part. "You were so tired and I thought we were hitting it off... So I kissed you. But... You had an episode." He confided, and kept his hands up defensively.

Tony's face warped and he wiped his mouth furiously, as if trying to scrub off the previous action.

"You _kissed_ me!? What the fuck is wrong with you!? Are you gay!? Hasn't anyone ever told you being a fag is wrong Rogers! Why-why would you ever _willingly_ sleep with a man when there are plenty of desperate women out there?!" Tony didn't even realize he was screaming until Steve flinched away. It was in that moment he realized he had become his father. Horrorstruck, Tony's jaw dropped. The only noise in the room was the thin metal wrench falling to the floor with a clang.

"I-I got to go Steve. _Now._ I'm sorry, I- sorry."

With that Tony tore out of the lab, punching the elevator button and holding his breath until he was safely locked inside his penthouse.

~*~

 

"I'm sorry" Was all Steve could say as he watched his distraught friend storm blindly up to his room. He shook his head, over and over, ashamed with himself for breaking into Tony's life so harshly. Steve badgered himself for a few minutes, gut twisting in agony over his choices of the evening. He staggered to his feet, near drunk off the adrenaline in his veins. Steve kept moving, knowing it would fade in a few moments. He made it all the way to Tony's door, before Jarvis stopped him. Steve knocked anyways. "Tony, I would like to apologize for my actions downstairs, and it was way out of line. You don't have to forgive me, and I don't expect you to. Just... Be careful?" He asked, voice cracking on the question.

"S-Steve?" Tony whispered behind the closed door.

"Yes! Tony it's me, please open up."

 

Tony limped to the door. His feet were unsteady under him and he had to grip the knob tight just to stay standing. When he finally managed to open the door, he could barely see the soldier through tear filled eyes. Blood was dripping down his forearms to his wrists and he only managed to beg out a "help me," before collapsing unconscious on the hardwood floor.

 

Steve caught Tony just before he smacked his head on the floor. He pulled the fallen engineer into his arms and rushed to place him on the bed before tearing through the bathroom for towels. Steve took two long hand towels and wrapped them around Tony's forearms. Thankfully, his wrists were untouched, he hoped Tony did that on purpose. As Steve applied pressure, Jarvis paged Bruce. Within minutes, the green tinged scientist had climbed the stairs, and lay down his medical bag. He worked faster than Steve could follow, injecting blood clotters, pain medications, and wiping down his arms with disinfectant. He pulled out surgical glue and began the slow process of closing the wounds. As worked, the Doctor spoke softly.

"Do you know what caused this?"

Steve remained quiet.

"Did he say _anything_ to you?"

"I-I didn't know." He confessed, wringing his hands to the point of bruising. "I... I kissed him and he had a ... flashback."

Bruce stopped working. His hands were starting to shake with fury and his skin was beginning to morph into a familiar dark green.

" _Howard_." Bruce practically growled, "Right? I swear to God, if that bastard was alive I'd kill him with my bare hands. Wouldn't even need the Hulk."

Steve sat back on the chair and clutched his head. "I lived with him Bruce! I stayed in his house and I never knew! I've never seen him like that. He was _terrified_ of me. I-I think he thought I was Howard..."

Steve waited for Bruce to respond, to nod, to argue, anything, but the doctor stayed quiet.

"How can I apologize for this!?" He sobbed, shaking the blood covered towel in Bruce's face. It was his fault. He triggered Tony. He caused him to hurt himself…

Bruce sighed, already seeing the guilt building up and threatening to swallow Steve whole. He tore off one of his gloves and placed a hand on the soldier's shoulder.

"Tony needs help. _Professional_ help. And a lot of it. This is something we can't force him into either or he'll just try to fight back more. What you did was innocent enough that in any other situation it would have just blown over. However, it wouldn't hurt to apologize for 'forward actions.' Try to avoid saying things like 'why didn't you tell me?' Or 'I wouldn't have done that if I'd known,' that will just trigger another attack. My best advice, pretend it never happened. Apologize for assuming and then wait for _him_ to talk to you. Tony likes you Steve, a lot. He's definitely not one for surprises though, at least romantic ones. You guys will get through this. I know it."

Steve nodded and leaned into Bruce's hand. "You're right. Thank you for being here for him when I wasn't. But do you really think not mentioning it is going to be alright? " he asked worriedly.

"I've seen Howard in action, first hand. I'm glad I can be there for him now, I wasn't always." Bruce still hated himself for leaving Tony alone after his father caught them. He was just a kid. And too scared of his own father...

Steve hesitated before hugging Bruce tightly, remembering the details of the flashback. "You were only a kid, don't blame yourself. Howard did this, not you." He sighed heavily. "Will you stay with him? Please? I don't want to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. " Steve confided and began to collect the bloody clothes and towels, heading out the door to the laundry. "and tell me if he gets worse."

Bruce nodded. "Don't go too far ok? I still want you near. I'll have Jarvis notify you when he wakes up." Bruce knew once Tony was back to normal he'd be practically begging to see Steve.

"I'll stay in my room, don't worry. And Bruce... If you ever need to vent, my studio is always open. I'm told I'm a good listener while I sketch. " He smiled and hugged Bruce one last time. Steve meandered down to the laundry room, tossed the load in, and nearly crawled back up to his room. He was emotionally exhausted, and needed to be somewhere dark and quiet. He changed into comfortable clothes, and sat on the edge of his bed, just looking at his hands, trying to find the part of them that gave Tony so much pain.

~*~

 

Tony woke up in a cold sweat, his heart beating furiously in his chest.

"Tony?"

The warm, honey voice filled his ears and he breathed in the familiarity. "Bruce," he smiled, letting his eyes slip back closed. "Buddy, what happened?"

Bruce sighed, handing Tony a glass of water. "Trust me, you don't want to know. How about you just take it easy for a couple of days huh? Maybe focus on your sleeping. Steve told me you've been having trouble.

Tony nodded, sipping the water and looking over his body to see thick white bandages wrapped around each forearm.

"I did it again, didn't I Bruce?"

"What's that?"

"Relapsed."

"I don't think it counts as a relapse if it's the first time you've ever done it."

"But I hurt myself, again. Just in a different way, all because of my fucking father."

Bruce huffed, tired of hearing this same old tale. "Tony, fuck him okay? He's in the ground and he can't hurt you anymore. This is something we've talked about time and time again. He. **Cannot.** Hurt you. Do you understand me?"

Tony swallowed hard and nodded at the green tinted eyes. "Ok."

"Say it."

"He can't hurt me anymore."

"That's a good boy. I told Steve I'd tell him when you woke up, you up for some visitors?"

Tony nodded, biting his tongue and looking over his new bandages in shame.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst
> 
> Steve was frozen a little later, after Tony was born and was around when he was growing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self Harm

Steve was in the shower when he heard the call. He yanked on some plain clothes and rushed towards Tony's room. He hadn't slept a wink, and his hands were raw from his biting nails. When he knocked on the door he got no answer. Opening the bedroom door he saw the room was empty. His heart rate skyrocketed in his chest.

"Sir?" The AI's voice came over the speakers, "Master Stark has been moved to the hospital wing of the tower to be kept under surveillance. You will find him there."

Steve's heart rate finally slowed, "Ok, thanks Jarvis." He rushed down more stairs until he finally came to the right door. He knocked softly, needing to hear the permission to continue, more now than ever.

Tony's head turned towards the noise. Bruce had gone to his room to shower and change, leaving the suicidal engineer alone in his room. Probably not the wisest decision, but Jarvis was always keeping watch.

"Come on in," said a small voice.

Steve quietly opened the door, and side stepped to the bed, careful to give Tony his space. "You look a little better." He tired, and immediately regretted it when Tony gave a sarcastic smile. "I wanted to apologize for my actions last night, and I am sorry for what happened to you. If I could, I would take it all back." He mumbled, not sure if talking about the kiss, or Howard's actions.

"So Bruce told you?" Tony winced, eyes going hard as the memories flashed behind them.

"Bruce only said that I should wait for you to tell me. He kept your secret. I simply guessed." He gave a halfhearted smile and moved a little closer. 

"Well, I'm sorry you had to see me like that. And I'm sorry if I scared you. You just caught me off guard. Probably not wise to do again. As for the kiss... are you gay Steve?"

Steve froze at the question. "Uh... I don't know about calling myself that. I just like people once I know them. Gender makes no difference." He frowned, hoping Tony wouldn't kick him out because of that. "I swear, I can keep a professional relationship going. But if you feel uncomfortable near me, I can move back to my apartment. I know nowadays, some folks understand, but a lot don't. I won't drag your name or the Avenger's though the mud."

Tony could see the internal battle Steve was having with himself and he decided to put a stop to it immediately. "Steve, you won't drag the Avengers through the mud. In case you are unaware, Bruce likes guys, Natasha likes both, Hell, Thor likes everything with a pulse! I will _not_ make you feel bad for being who you were born to be, and I'm sorry if what I said earlier contradicts that."

The room was filled with an awkward silence and Tony responded in the only way he knew how, to keep talking.

"I don't know what you remember about my dad, but he was not the good man he pretended to be. He was an abusive, neglectful, homophobic, drunk. My mother wasn't much better. I blame him for my inability to keep a normal, steady relationship. I don't even know what or _who_ I am Steve. I thought for the longest time I was gay but, he pretty much beat that out of me when I was 16. I don't think I'm straight either. I love Pepper, I really do. But I'm not physically attracted to her, at _all._ And you-" He stopped there. He wasn't really sure if he was ready to talk about his feelings for Steve. "Any way, I'm sorry for freaking out on you for kissing me. It wasn't the kiss that bothered me, it was the surprise attack. Kinda, triggered the past you know?"

When Tony brought up his father, bits and pieces of the past flashed back, thoughts of Howard freezing his lungs. He was clearly not the kind of friend Tony needed right now. How could he help Tony, when he knew _knew_ he could have stopped it before it began. He had been charmed by Howard, fed an illusion and believed every lie that _"Tony swallowed cleaner again,"_ or that the bruises on his hips were from _"that damn mandatory football PE class."_

Steve had been blind. He could have saved Tony, but instead chose to believe the charismatic sociopath.

"Steve?"

"I... I'm late for my run with Sam. Tony, I'm sorry, I have to go-" he turned and half ran out the door, shame and guilt clinging to his chest like a metal vice.

Tony watched Steve flee out the room and sighed. It shouldn't have surprised him. Pretty much everyone left him after they learned just how damaged he was. The sharp sting of betrayal didn't fade though. He thought Steve was different. Hoped that maybe Steve could help fix him, show him friendship, maybe even make him believe in romance again. But all that hope flew right out the door with Steve.

Tony lay back against the hospital bed, scratching at the thick wrapping on his arms. Running over the cuts sparked a memory in Tony. He had been in extreme emotional pain the other night but when he drug the blade across his skin, the pain faded. Almost disappeared completely. Now the pain in his chest was back and it hurt worse than yesterday.

Tony glanced toward the door. Bruce still wasn't back from his shower and something told him Steve wouldn't be returning any time soon.

"Jarvis? Lock me in here. No one's to come in here without my permission, is that understood?"

The only response he received was the quiet clicking of a locking mechanism.

Knowing time was limited, he yanked himself up from the bed, moving over to the windows on either side of the door and pulling the privacy curtains shut. Sufficiently hidden, Tony scanned the room for what he needed.

  
_Yes!_ Bruce had left his medical bag. Tony dug through it, knowing what he wanted immediately. From the bag he pulled out a small scalpel, a bottle of antiseptic, and a few packets of gauze before returning to his hospital bed. The craving for pain numbing endorphins was buzzing around in his brain like an angry bumble bee. He needed that numbing feeling again; anything to take away the emotional strain on his heart. Laying back on the bed, Tony unbuttoned his jeans and slipped them down his hips. Cuts on his hips would be easier to hide.

He poured a bit of the antiseptic onto a gauze square, rubbing the wet material over the blade to sterilize it. Finally ready, Tony lined the tip of the knife with his hipbone and drug, watching the blood bead a trail following it. Instantly following the cut, the flood of endorphins were back and Tony let out a gasp of relief as the pain in his chest began to fade. He lifted the blade from his side and placed it on the previous gauze. He'd clean it later.

He grabbed a new piece of gauze and placed it over the wound before any blood could spill on the bed. He didn't really need or want the lecture from Bruce if he found out. Tony held the bandage to his skin until the bleeding on his hip stopped. He kept the gauze on top of the cut and pulled back up his jeans, hissing when the denim made contact with the fresh wound.

Tony scrubbed the knife clean and tossed the soiled gauze in the trash, along with his old arm bandages. "Genius' always cover their ass," he chuckled to himself as he put all the borrowed tools back in their proper place. He yanked back open the curtains and limped back into bed, giving Jarvis permission to open the door. The buzzing of endorphins grew stronger every time his pants rubbed against the cut and it made Tony smile as blissful numbness engulfed his body. The emotional pain was _gone_ and he could finally, _finally_ fall asleep, nightmare free.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony relapses again, but Steve is there to help him through it.

Steve was beside himself after his run, unable to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. He thought the time outside would clear his head, but it only made things more muddy. He hadn't seen Tony in almost two days. Tony had been avoiding him, or he had been avoiding Tony. It was hard to tell anymore.

Thoughts of his past were a demon he could usually fend off with his friends, or put aside with the busy job of being an avenger, but with the former in agony and the latter paused without a global threat, Steve was unable to truly relax.

His memory was unfailingly excellent, and he re-lived every day he visited Howard and Maria, searching for signs, looking for anything that should have tipped him off back then.

But the longer he looked, the less he found. It must have happened _after_ he was frozen, and that thought rotted in his chest. Had Howard taken out his frustrations on losing Steve on Tony? His only son?

Steve was sick with guilt and far too wound up to do anything but work out until he dropped.

-*-

Steve pulled himself off the mat, his faze patterned from he Velcro he had passed out on. With a sigh deep enough to fill his room, he climbed to his feet, and used the wall as a guide to the shower.

As the water rolled over his face and lips, he reached out and touched them with a frown. It shook him to his core how much pain they had caused. It was _his_  fault Tony was having episodes. All because he couldn't control himself.

"I'm sorry-" he whispered, and his voice cracked. The room echoed with his gasping sobs, and Steve finally let himself go.

-*-

Thanks to Bruce's super glue stitches, his forearms were nearly healed. His hips on the other hand, were anything but. Each day the pain in his chest got worse. And every day, Steve stayed farther and farther away. In a house full of people, Tony felt completely and utterly alone.

He had moved back into his bedroom and out of the hospital wing yesterday. He hadn't bothered getting out of bed for anything other than going pee. Robots brought up his meals and he forbid anyone from entering, even Bruce. He didn't need to see the pity in his friends eyes, or be reprimanded for fucking things up with Steve. His brain was doing a good enough job of that already.

On the fourth day, Pepper arrived. She was probably the only person in the world as stubborn as Tony. She demanded he come out and prove he was ok or she wouldn't stop screaming. And God did he need it to stop.

"Here, look I'm fine!" Tony finally snapped, twirling around and showing his forearms. "I'm eating and bathing and working. Now butt the fuck out of my business Pepper!"

He slammed the door in her face, feeling incredibly guilty for doing so, but too upset to linger on it. He had more important things to focus on, like remembering where he stashed his knife.

-*-

Steve had heard the fight between Pepper and Tony, wincing at the language. Tony's bedroom was below his and he had the unfortunate luck of scientifically enhanced hearing.

With reluctance, he walked down the stairs and knocked on the door. He had no idea how this was going to go, but Steve couldn't last much longer without sleep.

"Tony?" He asked exhaustedly and put his head on the door instead of knocking. "We need to talk."

"No we don't." He bit out, voice strained. Tony didn't move from the floor of the bathroom. He had lost a lot of blood, and standing was not a good idea at the moment.

"Everything is fine Steve. You don't have to apologize anymore, I'm not mad, I just want to be left alone. And sleep, sleep is good."

"Tony just let me talk!" He whined and grimaced. Tony had him acting like a child. "I can't sleep because you're fighting with Pep and Bruce. And I'm tired of talking to a door. Let me in."

"I'm fighting with Pepper and Bruce because they won't leave me the fuck alone!" Tony growled, weakly pulling himself up from the tile.

"This is my fucking house and everyone thinks they can tell me what to do or how to live my life. I'm about one second away from kicking everyone out."

"I'm not telling you how to do anything!" He tried and slammed his hand on the wall beside the door frame. "Tony- please- please talk to me. I can't sleep, I barely eat- just let me see you. I need know that you're ok-" he said and covered his mouth to hold back a sob. But the dam had broken and he slid down the door, holding his hands over his mouth as he cried. If he didn't reach his friend now, the next time they would talk would be when Steve knelt in front of his tombstone.

The sudden image was so jarring to him that he stopped breathing, his mind going white hot with fear. And when Tony didn't answer, he began to panic.

"TONY! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW-"

Steve's loud voice frightened Tony, and before he could even hide any part of his damaged skin he gave permission for Jarvis to open the door. He just wanted the yelling to stop.

When Steve saw Tony, he froze. He was alive! He ran to his friend in his delirium and gripped him in a rib crushing hug. He needed to feel Tony's heart against his. He needed to hear his breath and see the life in his eyes.

"Tony," Steve sobbed and wilted, clutching his friend tightly to him.

After a few heartbeats Steve managed to retain some of his focus, and pull back. "I can't lose you too." He said selfishly and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. "I should have been there for you 30 years ago. I should have seen it- if I hadn't gone missing Howard might not have- I should have known. How could I not have known?" Steve asked Tony, gripping his arms.

"Because he was a manipulative bastard." Tony said weakly, yanking up his black shorts to cover his scars. "And a fucking psychopath Steve. It's what they do."

The hug around him was tight, but Tony was happy something was holding him stable. It was the only thing keeping him from falling on the floor.

"They lie, you can't blame yourself. Think of how many cops get fooled by serial killers. The cops aren't bad, the assholes are just that fucking convincing. He was that too."

Steve managed to calm down slightly, enough where his nagging fear of Tony dying was starting to fade. Until he smelt the blood.

"Where?" He asked abruptly, knowing his tact was gone, but his exhaustion would not let him communicate how he needed to. For Tony's sake. "Where is it Tony?" He asked looking for friend over.

"Where's what Steve?" Tony asked sleepily, relaxing into the warmth. It was the best he'd felt in days, and he didn't want to move.

"Tony. I can smell the blood." He asked worriedly when his friend began to slump against him.

"Nosebleed, that's all." He lied, easily giving into the lightheadedness that threatened to take him under. He was bleeding against his shorts, but not enough that it came through. It would clot soon, it's not like Tony cut into any thing major.

Steve smelt the rush of blood and looked down. The ashen colour of Tony's legs had his stomach rolling.

He looked up to the ceiling and shouted at Jarvis to page Bruce.

"Steve?"

"Bruce. Tony's coming to you, he needs a transfusion." He managed, his drained mind managing to keep it together a little longer.

He picked up his friend and tried not to panic at how light he felt. "When's the last time you ate something?" He asked.

Tony's head rolled to the side as he tried to think through the fog. "Uh, Thursday?" He said, not even knowing if that was the case. He remembered having that sandwich with Steve in the lab, but that was about it. The days had all began to run together.

Steve truly panicked then, and rushed Tony to the hospital wing. Bruce was already hanging a bag of blood, and Steve laid his friend down on the table.

He watched Bruce work quickly, hooking Tony up with various tubes and cutting off his boxers to reveal the two still bleeding wounds on his hips. Steve nearly keeled over, and Bruce demanded that he sit down before he fainted.

Steve sat on a chair beside the bed and held Tony's hand. "Tony? Can you hear me?" He asked, his friend's eyes glassed over with pain and blood loss.

Bruce had begun cleaning and gluing the wounds closed, and Steve could hear him crying softly.

The overwhelming guilt piled in Steve's stomach.

"I never meant to hurt you." He said softly and watched as Tonys eyes slipped closed.

Steve bolted out of his chair, only to be pushed back down by Bruce.

"I gave him a sedative so he can heal. It shouldn't last more than a day. But he needs it Steve. What the hell even happened? Did you two have another argument? Or did Tony see you talk to someone?" Bruce asked and wiped his tear stained glasses to gain a few moments of calm. "He's ah... Very sensitive to that. He might have assumed you've moved on without him. Tony needs- well Tony needs a lot of things, but re-assurance can go a long way."

"I didn't do any of that. I just gave him space, Bruce." He said and put his head between his hands.

"Oh...That's worse." Bruce admitted, sitting next to his friend and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"He can't really be alone. That's why he made Jarvis, Dummy, Butterfingers, and You. They comfort him and keep him busy enough so he won't have to think about... things. It's why he buries himself in his work so much. He's not good with alone."

Steve looked crestfallen. "So what should I do?"

"Small doses of interaction are best. Might as well pretend Tony is a frightened animal, because in a way he is. No sudden movements, and nothing too intimate too fast. He has to learn he can trust you. And it's going to take a lot of time after this."

Steve's face fell even more and he reached for Tony's bedside. He did look peaceful sleeping, and Steve hoped desperately that the man could finally have a small moment of serenity.

"I'm used to waiting," He said softly and didn't look away from Tony's sleeping form. "30 years of dreaming gives you a lot of time to think. I haven't been sleeping at all lately, it's starting to take a toll."

Bruce gave him a sad look. He felt for Steve, he really did.

"Have you tried a glass of milk?"

Steve gave a sad laugh. "That's what I told Tony to do. That's how this all started."

Bruce sighed deeply, and moved to drape Tony in several blankets. "Why don't you try to rest now. I'll keep watch for a bit."

Steve didn't want to, he needed to make sure Tony was ok. But his body said otherwise. "Wake me if-"

"I promise." Bruce said and rubbed Tony's thumb with his own. "Now rest Steve, you need it too."

Steve reluctantly let his eyes close. He locked his fingers with Tony's in hope that he'd wake when Tony did. Maybe things would be better when they did.

-*-

When Tony woke up, it was bright overhead. He groaned and winced at the rays, covering his eyes as best he could.

Upon raising his arms, he realized he could only move so far.

_Oh no, where was he? Did someone take him!? Did dad-_

Tony began to panic. He grabbed at every wire and pulled, screaming to get them off of him. Not again.

_No please! He couldn't go through this again. He wouldn't survive this time._

"Get them off! GET THEM OFF!!!"

Steve woke at Tony's screaming and pinned his arms down so he wouldn't pull the IV and blood transfusion tube out.

"Tony! TONY! It's alright, your safe-" he tried and slowly released his hold. "You're in the medical wing, Bruce gave you a transfusion, and I stayed the night. No one is here but me. It's alright." He hushed and hoped it would calm his friend.

Steve's voice broke through his delusion and Tony stopped struggling. He blinked a few times, trying to clear the haze, and finally _finally_ began to calm down.

"S-Steve?" He whispered, his voice small and childlike. "Is- is it really you?"

Steve gave a smile to reassure him and sat beside his bed. "Yeah Tony, it's me. I'm here. Jarvis is online and no one else is in the room." He undid the restraints holding Tony's hand and helped him place his hand near his mouth. "Feel the breeze? You can't when your dreaming. I would know. You're alright."

Tony focused on his hand, using the feeling of breath on his skin as a grounding tool. It actually worked better than expected. When he could finally steady his breathing, he decided to address the elephant in the room.

"Why are you even here Rogers. I thought you'd moved on?"

Damn it, Bruce was right. Steve opened his mouth, trying to think of what to say. He didn't want to be blunt, but Tony needed the truth.

"I came to talk to you last night. We got in a fight and you...fainted," he lied wanting to preserve Tony of his dignity.

"Bruce gave you a transfusion, and I wanted to make sure you were alright." He said and felt the guilt creeping back. He couldn't bring himself to tell Tony how he had become a sleepless, wandering drone.

"We ah- I... I needed to talk to you for the good of the team. If we can't work together, and there's an incident, people's lives could be at stake. So I wanted to talk to you about- what happend." He started, and before Tony could speak he continued. "It's my fault, I made the damn thing about me when we fought and I shouldn't have done that. I should have been here for you- not the other way around."

Tony's hand wandered down under the covers and when he felt the lumps of stitched together flesh, he reddened, ashamed and embarrassed.

"I'm- sorry you had to see me like this. And if you are worried about the team, tell Fury I quit. You guys function better without me anyway. Anything you'd need I could easily do from home. You'd never have to worry about me fucking things up in the field, or going rogue. I've obviously proved I can't be trusted with responsibility. I only look out for myself..."

He pulled the blanket up over himself as a security measure. He was feeling vulnerable, and it was only a matter of time before he broke again.

"Hang on now. I didn't mean-"

"You didn't do anything wrong Cap. You never do." He sighed, rolling on his side and wishing he could pick at his stitches. "You're perfect Steve, and I'm anything but."

"I'm an insensitive dick, and you're needed more than you know. There's no team without you Tony. You're the reason we formed. Please, don't leave us." He begged, hoping to reach his friend. "You're hurting Tony, and you shouldn't have to go though this alone. I'm here, and cutting yourself won't drive me away. I just didn't know what to do."

He still didn't to be honest. But he'd learn. He owed Tony that much.

Steve pulled another blanket up over Tony to help him feel more secure, and offered his hand if he needed it. _like a deer... Feeding a baby deer...._ he told himself softly and sighed.

"You don't have to be alone anymore Tony..."

"Being alone is all I know," Tony shrugged, clutching the blankets more tightly. "I've never had a stable relationship, everyone I've ever loved has left me, people I thought cared about me were just lying. I don't have anyone Steve..."

Steve cluched his hand. "That's not true, you have Jarvis, and Rhodey, Bruce, and Peggy loves you with all her heart. She considers you her grandson." He said softly and steeled his nerves, "And you'll have me. If you want. "

Tony just shook his head. "Jarvis is an artificial intelligence. He's programmed to like me. Rhodey is only friends with me because he feels obligated. Same with Peggy. She loves you and feels like she owes my family. Bruce left me the second he could, and You. You don't want me Steve. Not really. I'm not good for you."

Steve cluched his hand hard and made Tony look at him, really look at him when he spoke.

"Tony. You can't honestly think that, can you? Rhody loves you, he spent months looking for you in the desert. He stayed by your side and saved your life twice. Jarvis is practically your child Tony, you gave him life and he loves you for helping him grow. And Peggy never liked Howard. She's told me she wished she could have adopted you after the accident. And Bruce, Bruce was just scared. He was a child just like you. As for me... Tony, you're the one guy who's stayed by me through it all. You showed me this world was real, you showed me this world was worth saving again. I want to show you this world is worth living in too." He said and rubbed the back of Tony's hand.

"If, if we get into this..." Tony started, choking on his own tears, "it's not going to be easy... I'm- complicated. Some days, I might not be able to give you what you need, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Some days are better than others, but I'll hit a wall, and I'll relapse. Is that something you're ready for?"

Steve thought carefully and nodded. "I'm not perfect either Tony, but there are things I have to stand my ground on. I can't take it when you shut me out. Even if you just tell me you need some time, I would like to talk to you at least. Silence.... Isn't good for me. I had too many years of it. But I'll be there for you. I want to be. Tony you've given me a second chance at life, a family with the avengers.... Will you try with me? I want to show you what it's like to be safe, to trust again... And I hope...I hope you can trust me with your heart."

"I promise not to shut you out, if you promise not to give up on me." Tony said honestly, holding his hand tight. "Can you do that? Because I would be willing."

Steve smiled and nodded softly. "We'll brave through it as best we can." He said and stroked the back of his hand. "I won't leave you Tony. I promise."

"Well, in that case. That means I can do this." Tony said, leaning up and taking Steve by the back of the head. He pressed their lips together slowly, taking his time to explore Steve's lips.

Steve froze at first, not wanting to hurt his friend. But the kiss was gentle and he slowly opened his mouth. He shivered in a mixture of fear and hope, and slowly carded his hand though Tony's hair. He slowly moved his jaw to taste his friend, the warmth and comfort, and sighed happily.

"I've got you." He crooned.

Tony moaned quietly and moved closer, holding Steve's elbow with his other hand.

"Don't let go." He begged, molding himself against Steve as best he could in the bed.

"I won't, I promise."


End file.
